I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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