All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
