Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i will never coherently bang her
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
