Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
