I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
