Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
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Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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