Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
