Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
