I'm drive I can fine osifer
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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