Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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