I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
