the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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