I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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