there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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