Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
