I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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