i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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