Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
