Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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