I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
