I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
