lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
