I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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