So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
