My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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