who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
