Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
