i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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