Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
