drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to make out with him forever
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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