It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
