you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
