you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
