when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
