My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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