first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think people are normalizing furries
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
