The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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