My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
