i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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