it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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