he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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