I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
