tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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