I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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