If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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