my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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