How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm determined to sit on that face.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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