Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
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Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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