I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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