i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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