I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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