Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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