Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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