I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
They are going to name an STD after you.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
