I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
